My Dad Never Changed Diapers

A guy came in to use the urinal one down from me. It is an unspeakable faux pas to use the one immediately adjacent if a farther one is available. It is also considered suspect to talk, but this guy was secure in his manhood as he had just had his first baby – a girl!

“Man, it really changes everything. I was kinda hoping for a boy, but the good Lord blessed me with a normal, healthy baby, so I can’t complain. It’s scary though, ya know? I think about how sixteen years from now I’ll have to answer the door with a gun to scare off the guys trying to date her.”

I attempted to put his mind at ease, “Maybe she’ll be fat and ugly – or a lesbian … or both.” I smiled and tried to not look toward his penis.

He continued, unscathed, “Have you seen the shit that comes outta those nasty things? I mean Jesus, it’s like … black tar … or some kinda epoxy or something. I can’t believe that I am even expected to do that shit. My Dad never changed diapers. I remember one time my Mom was sick, so after a lot of discussion, my Dad had to help me with my bath … I was like six or eight.

He looked toward my penis.

“So he starts getting soap in my mouth and shampoo in my eyes and I’m screaming bloody murder and finally my Mom comes in all feverish with bedhead and says, ‘Never mind. I’ll do it.’ all disgusted that he’s so helpless.

He thought for a moment,“See, I should do that – that thing where men act like they don’t know how to use a can opener and shit. Man I would just sit back, drink beer, and watch football all day. Instead I gotta get up every other night and feed her from a bottle that was pumped outta my wife’s tit. If I was supposed to feed the baby, I would have tits, you know what I mean?”

He paused and looked over at me so I felt obliged to respond, “Well, you do have tits – it’s just that they’re useless.”

“Ahh, ha, ha, ha, ha – true dat. I know, I know. I gotta stop with the late night pizzas.” He pat his stomach as he spun around and left without washing his hands.

Zipping up, I noted that he said “true dat” even though he was European-American. I’m not sure that’s right. Is it racist to think that it’s not ok for gentrified Caucasian’s to speak in Ebonics?

I don’t know, but it does seem awkward when it happens.